It is hard to wait for something that might never happen; it is harder to give up when you know it is everything you want. --Unknown.
A guy friend recently contacted me about writing an anonymous post about their struggle with infertility. This often unspoken topic affects a staggering number of families. Some estimates suggest that worldwide between three and seven percent of all couples or women have an unresolved problem of infertility. Many more couples, however, experience involuntary childlessness for at least one year: estimates range from 12% to 28%.
His post below is a reminder that infertility affects a family.
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We are happily married… have been for a long time. We work hard, we travel, we try to have fun. Try. Because deep down there is a giant, gaping hole in our lives, our marriage, and while we are aware of it – shit, we talk about it – we are reminded of it on a weekly basis by others who don’t understand.
Please, I’m begging you… stop asking “When.”
Invariably we meet up with friends, or friends of friends, or, worse, friends of parents – and they go through the checklist of every ‘get-to-know-you’ conversation. We know it’s coming, we can sense it before they know they’re getting there. We tighten, we stiffen, and brace for those words…
“WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE KIDS?”
Then it’s pure self defense mode. Smile. Laugh. Rote response about not being ready. Laugh more. Change subject to their pet. Drink another beer.
Every month she cries herself to sleep when our attempts fail. Expensive, intrusive, painful attempts at using the marvels of modern science to bypass God. Every month I tell her that we’ll be OK. We have each other. It’ll be OK. More tears. More heartache.
It’s not OK. It’s been too long. It’s been too hard. It’s not an emotional roller coaster if you only go down, right? It flat-out sucks.
I don’t know whether women discuss staying away from this topic at some point. Surely they do. There has to be some sort of sensitivity around older women with no kids, right? I have no clue… but I assure you, that sensitivity goes out the window when they talk to a guy. And ladies (I presume ladies read this, not men) you have to know that it hurts just as much for the man. I know you’re being sweet. I know it’s because you care...or have absolutely nothing else to say… but I can’t handle talking about it anymore. I want to scream. I want to cry. Instead, I just grin, make a joke, and wait to write some overly emotional, sappy blog.
So please, next time you feel those words forming…
Don’t ask when.
Please, I’m begging you… stop asking “When.”
Invariably we meet up with friends, or friends of friends, or, worse, friends of parents – and they go through the checklist of every ‘get-to-know-you’ conversation. We know it’s coming, we can sense it before they know they’re getting there. We tighten, we stiffen, and brace for those words…
“WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE KIDS?”
Then it’s pure self defense mode. Smile. Laugh. Rote response about not being ready. Laugh more. Change subject to their pet. Drink another beer.
Every month she cries herself to sleep when our attempts fail. Expensive, intrusive, painful attempts at using the marvels of modern science to bypass God. Every month I tell her that we’ll be OK. We have each other. It’ll be OK. More tears. More heartache.
It’s not OK. It’s been too long. It’s been too hard. It’s not an emotional roller coaster if you only go down, right? It flat-out sucks.
I don’t know whether women discuss staying away from this topic at some point. Surely they do. There has to be some sort of sensitivity around older women with no kids, right? I have no clue… but I assure you, that sensitivity goes out the window when they talk to a guy. And ladies (I presume ladies read this, not men) you have to know that it hurts just as much for the man. I know you’re being sweet. I know it’s because you care...or have absolutely nothing else to say… but I can’t handle talking about it anymore. I want to scream. I want to cry. Instead, I just grin, make a joke, and wait to write some overly emotional, sappy blog.
So please, next time you feel those words forming…
Don’t ask when.
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Some other blogs or websites on this topic that you might find helpful:
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